Beautiful Emotions
by suriru
Summary: (oneshot:spikepov) When she's gone she's something beautiful.


My first one-shot, Spike POV. Lyrics in this fic credit to Akino Arai - _Kirei na Kanjou_ (Noir's ending theme) The title translates to Pure or Beautiful Emotions.

-

Ever since that last fight I had with Vicious, I haven't been able to sleep at night. I can't admit it to anyone, but I can't sleep because of the recurring nightmare I've been having.

It goes like this.

&&

I open my eyes, believing that I'm awake. My vision clears and I notice I'm on the Bebop, lying on the couch. I expect to see Faye sitting across from me, as she always does when I'm injured. I listen for her awful singing voice and hear nothing. Instead I see Jet. I try to get up.

He notices my movement and warns me, "Don't get up, it'll hurt like—"

Too late.

The pain sears through every crack in my body. "...Like hell." I finish for myself. I fall back, exasperated and ready to pass out.

"How'd you find me?" I asked without emotion. I wasn't exactly grateful to be alive, to tell you the truth.

"Correction: Faye found you at the Syndicate building about to die. She took you to the hospital but after two days she snuck you out of there. And here you are now." Jet explained.

"You really have to remind me to thank Faye." I said sarcastically while closing my eyes.

I could feel Jet's glares through my closed eyelids. But he spoke in a calm tone. "Did you think dying would find you peace, Spike?"

"Naturally. Yes." I responded.

"Well too bad. Fate found its way to your life so you must have some reason to still be alive."

I was about to tell him what I thought about fate before he told me to shut up and go to sleep. I guess he was right. I was too tired for this. Too injured. Too dead.

&&

After a few days I was able to sit up. And a few days after that, I noticed the absence of disturbance on the ship. I finally remembered and asked Jet one day, "Where's Faye?"

"She left."

"When's she coming back?"

"Spike. I just said she left."

"Oh."

I rested my back on the sofa and pulled out a cigarette. I thought about Julia and remembered her eyes as the life drained out of them. I let out a breath of smoke. Slowly, life was draining out of me as well.

A few hours later, Jet came into the living room and turned the TV on. "Big Shot's off air." I reminded him.

"Yeah...forgot about that." I clicked the power off button with my tip of my boot.

"How the heck are we going to find bounties now?" He wondered out loud.

"Dunno."

"Soon, we're probably going to run out of gas without any income."

"Yep."

"Then after that we're going to starve to death."

"Uh-huh."

"And of course, we'll probably have to stop smoking because we won't be able to afford cigarettes."

That caught my attention. "I better do something about that then. Right Jet?" He chuckled.

I got up and straightened my tie. "I'll go see if I can find news on some new bounties."

&&

I arrived in a bar located in Jupiter. It was untitled for all I care. I played a couple of games of pool and earned a few woolongs, enough to buy me a decent supply of alcohol. This bar was a little more sophisticated than the normal others, seeing as it had tables for two everywhere and there was a medium-sized stage up front. I yawned as the heavy red curtains slowly pulled open.

Hm. A jazz band. I was expecting a sultry singer. Whatever.

I eased back in my seat and let the music flow through me. I felt at peace. Before I knew it, my head slowly began to move toward the table. I was...falling...asleep.

&&

I woke up in a jolt. I rubbed my face with my hands and sat up. I glanced at the stage and noticed the band was still playing, but softly now...

I looked around me and a lot of the people who were here with me a while ago had already left. Only a handful of people were still at the bar. It was probably around 11:30 PM. I wanted to leave, seeing as I didn't get anything done, but for some reason I felt like staying at the same time.

I rested my chin on my right hand and found myself turning to my left.

And there she was, sitting quietly in the far corner. She looked tired and her eyes were sleepy. I could see those jade eyes miles away. It was so easy to see right through her. Her eyes gave everything away.

Before I knew what I was doing, I had walked over to her table. She was alone, noting the empty seat across from her. That's where I sat down.

She didn't seem to notice my presence, so I made myself known. "Valentine." I heard my own voice, scratchy and deep through the thick atmosphere of the bar.

She slowly lifted her head, a smirk slowly hazing over her crimson lips. "Spiegel." She acknowledged.

I knew she was drunk. Not by the smile, but by the fact that she called me by my surname. So I decided to tell her.

"You're drunk." I said nonchalantly.

"Yup." She said. Happily.

"What's wrong with you!?" I asked gruffly. "Where have you been?"

"Since when did youuu care, Spiiike?" Faye asked me, her words droned out and childlike.

"I don't. It's just that...." I paused to watch her swirl the contents of her martini around. She smiled, her eye looking through the glass like it was magic.

"Just what?" she repeated in question.

I looked back at her and our eyes happened to meet. I hated when her eyes looked like that. It was so sad. It reminded me of Julia...

..but the striking blue was replaced with the endless green. I felt that if I looked too long into her eyes, I would get lost in them. And I wouldn't want that, now would I?

So I broke the eye contact and ran my fingers through my messy hair, trying to find something to say in response. Why? It was never like this before...

"It's just that Jet has been worried about you. And...a woman like you shouldn't be alone. It's not safe here. You should come back now." What the hell was I saying?

She giggled as if my words were a joke, just like a little girl... I wanted to laugh with her. But I wasn't drunk enough.

"Don't worry about meee! I did leave the Bebop, rememberrrr? I'm independent now!"She laughed and began to swirl her drink again. "Besides! I'm used to being alone. I've alwaaays been alone, anywaaay!"

I felt my eyes grow sad. I had forgotten. She was alone in the world, too. Just like me. I wasn't the only one with an empty heart.

At the same time, we turned to see couples around us get up to dance. The music was slow and soothing. I looked at the stage, and there she was, the sultry singer I expected earlier. The jazz band was still playing behind her, accenting her voice as she sang.

_Sotto furerarete _

Kono hoho no tsumetasa ni yatto kidzuita

Asa me ga samete

Tori no koe ni hajimete kidzuku you ni totsuzen_ Mada shiranai nanimo _

Kokoro ga motomete'ru mono

Shiranai no

It was so soothing. 

"Hey, Spiegel! Do you want to dance with meeeee?" Faye asked me, smiling from ear to ear.

"Sorry, but...no."

"Awwww, well tooo bad!" she said, grinning.

"Huh? Hey! Wait, what the hell are you doing?! I said I didn't want to daaaaaance!!" Before I knew what was happening, she pulled me to the dance floor in time for the chorus. She put her hands behind my neck and I let mine rest behind her back. She moved me in time to the music, with her head rested on my chest. _Sora bakari mite-ita _

Itsu kana kou shite

Ano kumo no mashita e

Omoi wo tobashite

Yume no tsudzuki wo ikiru mitai

Tayorinai watashi demo aishite

_Mune no izumi ni aru namida wa donna iro na no _

Kanashimi wa

Asa no hikari ga ima kodoku wo tsutsunda

Anata ga me wo akete hohoemu shunkan

"Hey, uh, Faye?" I asked gingerly.

"Whaaaat?" she asked, still drunk.

"You're holding me too tight."

"Ohh...." She half moaned. I felt her hug me even tighter.

Minutes passed.

_Sora bakari mite-ita _

Mado kara tooku e

Ano kumo no mashita e tsurete itte

Ryoute ni wa afuredasu

Kirei na kanjou

Anata ni sasagetai

Sotto furete-ite

Sotto kono hoho ni

Sotto... sotto...

"Um...Faye?" I shook her. What the hell! She fell asleep. She must have really drank a lot tonight... I thought. What the heck was I supposed to do now? She'd probably kill me if she woke up back in the Bebop. I didn't want to think about dealing her madness in addition to her hangover.

I picked her up and put her behind my back, carrying her piggy-back style. I slowly walked out of the bar. She was really heavy, was all I could think. I guess the alcohol was starting taking its effect on me, too.

"Must..get...to..hotel..."

&&

I don't know how I did it. I reached a three star hotel, booked a room for two, went up the three flights of stairs because the fucking elevator was broken (three star my ass), found the room and swiped the card through the device, got in, locked the door behind me, and stood in front of one of the beds, all before 2:30 AM and before I passed out.

I fell in the bed face first. "Ugh...." I groaned into the white sheets. I looked at the other bed and it was just a fucking mattress. Damnit.

For a while I thought about what I should do. I had a couple of options. One, let Faye sleep on the mattress and I sleep on the nicer bed. Two, I sleep on the mattress and let Faye sleep on the nicer bed. Or three, we could both sleep on the nicer bed.

I knew Faye would definitely get pissed and get all bitchy at me in the morning if I chose the first one. Same for the third one. But I definitely wouldn't sleep on the bad one just for her.

I couldn't believe I was doing this. We were sharing the same bed. I even tucked Faye in so she wouldn't get cold. Really, just like she asked me. Since when did I care?

I didn't have much time to think about it, because once my head hit the pillow, I closed my eyes. I pulled the covers tightly around me and fell asleep.

&&

I woke up in a jolt. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. I sat up and instinctively turned to my right, where Faye was sleeping.

She wasn't there but her covers looked like they were messed up only a few minutes ago. That's when I heard the nasty choking noises.

I looked up and noticed there was a small porch. I didn't notice there was one last night. I saw the French doors were open and Faye was leaning over the railing. I subconsciously took note that her hair had grown longer and was falling straight down over the railing as well.

Was she trying to commit suicide or something?

I got up and walked outside. I tapped her on the shoulder. "Valentine. What are you doing?" She stood up and turned her face sideways so that one eye was on me.

"What the hell do you think I'm doing, Spike?"

So the alcohol wore off. "I dunno."

"I'm fucking vomiting. The hangover..." She keeled over the railing again. "It's killing meeee..."

The way she said it, almost made me think she really was still drunk. Like that little girl she was last night.

But then I remembered what she was doing. "WHAT?? YOU'RE VOMITING ONTO THE DAMN PARKING LOT, FAYE!"

"...I think I know that. So what?"

"So, we better leave before they charge us extra or make us clean that shit up."

"Um. Right." I watched her as she stood up again and used the back of her hand to wipe her mouth. "Ugh. That's disgusting." I informed her.

She proceeded to wipe her hand on her dress. "That's nice to know."

I finally noticed what she was wearing. It was a dark crimson spaghetti- strapped dress that fell right above her knee. Her usual white boots where replaced with strappy black heels. I looked back up and down. Was I really so desperate?

She began to make gargling noises, and before I knew it, she fell on the floor.

"What's wrong with you, Faye!?" I asked her. I was feeling pissed now.

"I told you. I have a hangover..." She closed her eyes.

Damn. Not again. I picked her up, this time resting her head on my right arm and my left holding her behind her knees. By the time I left the hotel, the sun was already up.

I felt her rustle in my arms and I looked back down at her. Her eyes were open and shone so brightly in the sunlight. "Thanks for...not leaving me...at the bar last night..." she whispered softly.

And then she smiles. It's so beautiful. A genuinely grateful smile, accompanied by sparkling eyes. She stands up by herself and adjusts her dress. The sun seems to be focusing on only her.

"Spiegel. I just wanted to let you know..." she starts smiling again. "I fell in love with you.,."

I can only hear the slight wind blowing around us and her soft voice. I want to speak, but my throat is suddenly dry. My heart feels clenched up and I want to tell her to stop...but I can't. And she doesn't. She only continues.

She touches my cheek. "...But it's alright that I'll never be anything important to you. I have to get over it, you know?" She laughs.

_Faye..._

She blows me a kiss, like a teenage schoolgirl. I let out a laugh that I kept inside for a while now. She laughs along with me. And then she turns around, her dress slightly fluttering with her movement.

She starts running away, down the road, and slowly her figure gets smaller and smaller. I want to tell her to wait. I want her to hear what I have to say.

"FAYE!"

But I know she's already gone.

Forever.

&&

And that's the nightmare I've been having over and over again. I don't know anymore. Which are my dreams? My nightmares?

I swirl my cocktail over and over again, just like she did that night. I try to see what she sees that's so special, and instead all I see is her smiling face, telling me she loves me.

And it saddens me.

My heart still feels the emptiness of her words, my actions. Our laughter.

I don't want to admit it, but...

_Kirei na kanjou..._

_Anata ni sasagetai _

Sotto furete-ite

Sotto kono hoho ni

Sotto... sotto..

Maybe _this_ is reality.

-


End file.
